What Was I Thinking?

Recently, I stumbled across a box of journals from my high school and college days. So I decided to take a trip down memory lane. I figured I would get a good laugh at all of the ridiculous things that occurred throughout my yesteryears. Well after about 45 minutes of reading, I literally had to crack open a bottle of wine. I shook my head in disbelief. Who was this chick? Did I really do those things? Was I really that naive? How in the world did I make that decision? How did I end up with him? Seriously….what was I thinking?

Everybody was young and dumb a time or two, right? Just agree and make me feel better, ok! As I read through my journals, I realized my naive younger self was simply prone to making “interesting” decisions when it came to boys/men and relationships. I was a hopeless romantic. I loved hard and sometimes to my own detriment.

For example, I loved Larry  Burns, in the 1st grade, with his brown Wranglers and his Buster Brown shoes. I fell in love with him when he offered me his jacket while we were outside for recess. Yup that khaki jacket meant everything! I wore that bad fella proudly! I put it around my shoulders and proceeded to have a mini-fashion show. I flaunted it in front of the other girls who were crushing on Larry. I felt like a QUEEN! Now truth be told, he asked me to “hold” his jacket while he played with the guys. I guess that he trusted me considering I was his seat mate so we shared our crayons and stickers. I guess it was only befitting that I held his coat too. However, in my brain it meant so much more. I mean clearly he cared about me enough to trust me with his khaki jacket with the broken zipper and hole in the pocket. Right? WRONG!  The relationship was all in my mind. In my mind, Larry and I took long walks home (under adult supervision of course), shared ice cream and popcorn. We were destined to grow up as elementary, high school and college sweethearts. We would be successful and be a real live Huxtable family. Wait…maybe that wasn’t a good thing, but you get the picture.  Well, needless to say my vision of love only lasted for a month, as Larry decided he would fall hopelessly in love with the chick that had the bouncy ponytails. Hmmmph, let her hold his dirty holey coat! It was funky anyway. Plus his hair was never combed and he wore those same Wrangler pants EVERY DAY! Seriously….WHAT WAS I THINKING?

You see how quickly I turned on him? He went from being the best thing since sliced bread into smelly scum. Why is that? How do we go from believing they are our soulmate to deciding they are not fit to walk the earth. We go from this person consuming all our time and thoughts to not being able to sit in the same room without wanting to fling a chair in their direction. Everyone has one person that fits this criteria. I can name at least one ex that I would LOVE to mysteriously get locked in a room with zombies. I wouldn’t really want anything to happen to him (at least the christian side of me doesn’t.)  However the mere possibility of harm did bring a smile to my face!

The reality is a lot happens between that first flutter in your stomach to that horrible taste in your mouth. That person probably made some bad choices but let’s not forget our own roles in the situation. After all, it was our choice to get involved with them in the first place.  Now you knew after the first couple of dates that he was a leech since he always seemed to leave his wallet at home. Yet you decided to pick up the slack for his bills after being with him for less than a month. Now you’re mad because he refuses to pay you back. You also knew that he had a woman, yet you decided to embark on a situationship with him. You knew that he had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn’t ready to “commit”, yet you got upset when he didn’t spend holidays with you and couldn’t take you to that important family event. Of course, these are extreme cases but they happen all too often.

It’s definitely easier to blame the downfall of the relationship on the other person. After all, who wants to admit that they did something wrong? Do you really want to explain some of your unsavory behavior to others? Admit you weren’t perfect? HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!! However, if we want to move forward and perhaps find happiness again, we have to do it! We need to pull out the suitcases, start unpacking the baggage and do some cleaning. We have to take a hard look at ourselves and behavior. Identify the life lessons that we haven’t quite grasped over the years. I learned a long time ago that the lessons you don’t learn, you will have to repeat until you do. The set and the characters may change but the story line will stay the same.

I’ve spent some time unpacking my own baggage over these past few years. It was hard, really hard. Yes I dealt with some interesting men (that’s a blog for another day). However, I can’t let them take sole responsibility as to why we didn’t work. No one can do what you won’t allow. I will admit that in my quest to find love (and be loved) I often bypassed that common sense road and threw caution to the wind. I also compromised my values in the name of love because I felt it was what I needed to do.  Yeah I probably should have left after I caught him in the first lie about the random chick. I decided to stay and believe the lie because I so desperately wanted to believe in him, in us. I was willing to stay and be unhappy, miserable and lonely. Sad isn’t it? I  So what was I thinking at the time? I was thinking that being unhappy was the price you pay to have a relationship. It was ok to focus on his wants instead of my needs. Hell, maybe I was just trying to make sure I didn’t grow old with a house full of cats!

Ultimately, I learned I needed to remain true to my authentic self and not compromise my values. I learned it was ok to walk away when my needs are not being met. I so wish that love and relationships were as simple as a well written movie or book. I could simply jump into character and live happily every after. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. We have to put in the work to be happy. If you don’t know what happy means and how it looks, then how will you know when it shows up.

What am I thinking now? I am thinking that I am looking forward to “him”! Yes “HIM”! He who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. He who will understand the quirkiness that is me. He who will see me raw and uncut but will still love me. He will see my fears and protect me. He will know my dreams and support them. It will be then that I don’t have to wonder what I was “thinking”.